Here you and I are, sitting alone in ICU1 at PVH waiting for your body to slowly give way to the years of absolute trauma you've endured.

I knew it was going to be hard but I prayed every fucking day you would pass quickly so I knew you wouldn't be in any pain. And, selfishly, I wanted it to be quick so I wouldn't have more memories of watching you lay in a hospital bed with every possible machine keeping your body alive. 

Damn every fucking person that took your word for what it was without taking a moment to get to know you. We wouldn't be here today if anyone would have taken a few extra seconds to look through your file, to look at your medical experiences and the terrible life you lived. If anyone had the common fucking courtesy to contact family, they would have heard your story of a lifetime battle to stay alive. 

What life is there left for you to fight for now? 

We accepted it THIRTEEN years ago. It was astounding to hear those words come out of my mouth while talking to nurses today about you. Thirteen years ago was the first time you were placed on life support and given every possible chance to survive. For two years they kept you alive, brought you back to us and at least kept enough of you alive so that you had a chance at a relatively normal life.

But it was never the same.

You couldn't talk, you couldn't walk the same or really move any of your limbs to do much self care. You couldn't remember or place some of the most special people in your life. You slowly stopped reading the books you collected, laughing at the shows you enjoyed. You were left with so much anger and hate, aggression, that made you terrifying to be around. 

It made Mariah and I hate you for periods of time. 

Avoid so much of you because we literally lived in fucking fear of you assaulting us. Which you absolutely did more than once. And i hate that so much for you. 

But we also had some absolutely amazing times. I will always be grateful that you got to live this life with the experience of getting to meet a grandchild. Although you may not have been able to partake in Jamie's life like other grandparents, you loved that little guy with your entire being and you lit up like the sun whenever you were around him.

That will always be the one thing that will stay with me. You loved with your entire soul.

You never hesitated to brag about Mariah or I. Anyone and everyone knew that you had two beautiful girls, what we did, how old we were. You were so proud to be our momma. 

You may not have had the opportunity to really raise us in the same way other parents would but you never failed to make sure we knew just how special we really are to you,