Here you and I are, sitting alone in ICU1 at PVH waiting for your body to slowly give way to the years of absolute trauma you've endured.

I knew it was going to be hard but I prayed every fucking day you would pass quickly so I knew you wouldn't be in any pain. And, selfishly, I wanted it to be quick so I wouldn't have more memories of watching you lay in a hospital bed with every possible machine keeping your body alive. 

Damn every fucking person that took your word for what it was without taking a moment to get to know you. We wouldn't be here today if anyone would have taken a few extra seconds to look through your file, to look at your medical experiences and the terrible life you lived. If anyone had the common fucking courtesy to contact family, they would have heard your story of a lifetime battle to stay alive. 

What life is there left for you to fight for now? 

We accepted it THIRTEEN years ago. It was astounding to hear those words come out of my mouth while talking to nurses today about you. Thirteen years ago was the first time you were placed on life support and given every possible chance to survive. For two years they kept you alive, brought you back to us and at least kept enough of you alive so that you had a chance at a relatively normal life.

But it was never the same.

You couldn't talk, you couldn't walk the same or really move any of your limbs to do much self care. You couldn't remember or place some of the most special people in your life. You slowly stopped reading the books you collected, laughing at the shows you enjoyed. You were left with so much anger and hate, aggression, that made you terrifying to be around. 

It made Mariah and I hate you for periods of time. 

Avoid so much of you because we literally lived in fucking fear of you assaulting us. Which you absolutely did more than once. And i hate that so much for you. 

But we also had some absolutely amazing times. I will always be grateful that you got to live this life with the experience of getting to meet a grandchild. Although you may not have been able to partake in Jamie's life like other grandparents, you loved that little guy with your entire being and you lit up like the sun whenever you were around him.

That will always be the one thing that will stay with me. You loved with your entire soul.

You never hesitated to brag about Mariah or I. Anyone and everyone knew that you had two beautiful girls, what we did, how old we were. You were so proud to be our momma. 

You may not have had the opportunity to really raise us in the same way other parents would but you never failed to make sure we knew just how special we really are to you, 

I have my first, mediated, court session with my ex on Wednesday.
It's stressful.
There's so much I have to do in order to be considered a "good parent" and even then, I'm going to sit down in front of a person who's going to tell me how to parent.

Pretty sure I didn't push an instruction guide out of my vagina along with my son.

I'm taking a three and a half hour parenting class, REQUIRED, for both my ex and I before the court session.,
I can't handle the woman's voice.
It's all about older kids.
There is, so far, nothing useful about this class.

Nothing is going to work for my ex and I except the mediator telling him he needs to do this and I need to do that.

The issue is that HE won't let me see my son.
I have a right to see him.

DUMBASS.

I could put him in jail for contempt because he hasn't let me see my son in seven months.

SEVEN MONTHS!

What are you thinking? Do you think I'm going to disappear and forget about him? I don't think so buddy. That's my baby too. You wouldn't even have him if it wasn't for me and my uterus.

I couldn't even imagine keeping Jamie from his dad. Ever.

All I ever wanted growing up was to have both of my parents around, I wasn't lucky enough to have either one. I am absolutely not going to let my son go through that. He deserves all the love in the world.

I can't believe that it's already time to go to court for him. Thank god.
I miss him so much.

I want to be able to be back in his life, sooner rather than later, for his own sake. He doesn't deserve to not have his mom or dad around. He doesn't need to be asking all these questions about where mommy or daddy is, grandpa or grandma, ext.

That's too much emotional instability that I never wish on my son.

I don't want him to end up like me.

Emotionally and mentally fucked up. I don't want him to think he's going crazy in his own mind because he can't figure out how he's feeling or why he's feeling the way he is.

THIS WOMAN'S VOICE IS UNBEARABLE.....

Why do I need to sit here and talk this class in order to see my son? I didn't ask for him to keep Jamie from me. In fact, he told me he would NEVER do that. Now, he's done it twice totaling in 11 months.

Jamie Ty

I now live the wonderful life of motherhood to my amazingly beautiful baby boy, Jamie Ty Adema.
He was born January 20th, 2014 at 8:06 p.m. weighing 9 pounds 4 ounces and 21 inches long!

My labor was neither fun or pretty.
They decided to induce me the night of the 19th, so I ended up getting my first round of drugs about 9 p.m. I'd been 2 centimeters dilated for the last few weeks so I guess you could say I had a little bit of a head start. My doctor thought it was a good idea to sleep while waiting for the medicine to work it's way through my body. Levi and I had a hard time sleeping but we managed to get a few hours of rest.
Nothing changed during the night; I slept til about 5. When the nurse came in to check on me, I believe, I was about 4 centimeters dilated. That's the time the contractions really started kicking in and I couldn't help but feel every ounce of pain they were giving me. I made sure to tell everyone that I only wanted an epidural once I got to a pain level of 7. I wanted to be able to understand what labor felt like and I wanted to be strong for Jamie. Motherhood isn't easy and giving birth is the first obstacle.
Around 9 a.m. I was having an extremely hard time pushing away the pain. I didn't know what to do anymore. My body was exhausted already and I was on oxygen. I was only 5 or 6 centimeters. Barely any progress had been made.
That's when the decision was made to get the epidural. Nurses had to draw more blood to make sure my body would be able to take the drug correctly and that it wouldn't harm the baby.

Hours passed. Tears shed. Screams heard. Nails tore skin.

The anesthesiologist finally came toting the giant needle necessary to put me out of misery. It was 1 p.m. IT then took another half hour for him to find the right place along my spine. In the process, our favorite nurse literally had to hold my entire body up due to my lack of energy. I couldn't stop crying to calm my breathing or hold back the pain of 10 second apart contractions.
Once the pain killers kicked in, my head and body were on cloud nine. I basically slept the rest of the day. I hadn't been able to lay on my back without being in immense amounts of pain for months and was able to do so without batting an eye. Everything was perfect.
My doctor came in to check on our progress at 6 p.m. then gave it the good to go so we began our journey of grunts and pushing.
Levi and I never imagined the process to be so relaxed. All the lights were off, except for one small lamp in the corner of the room. There were four people in the room; Cawley (my doctor), a nurse, Levi and myself. Cawley wanted me pushing so much every so often but I was doing my own thing. I wanted this baby out now; I was determined. When the time came to see his hair, I didn't want to see anything but I guess he had a ton of hair! He stayed in that position for, what seemed like, forever. Poor baby couldn't get his shoulders through.
When it came time for him to come out, I felt it happening and I never stopped pushing. Jamie came out so fast Cawley didn't have the time to turn around and put gloves on. I guess it was kind of a big deal but I was in such a daze all I cared about was seeing my little baby that I'd been bonding with for the last nine months. I was carrying a toddler the whole time and I tried to tell everyone! My doctor was stunned!
Jamie was absolutely perfect. He never cried once. Levi and I got to hold him immediately, the nurses respected our privacy and didn't come in to test him for an hour. Everything was surreal. 
Honestly, everything felt like a dream to me. Our baby boy was finally here, Levi and I were instantly in love with his sweet innocence.

In order to leave the Birthing Center of the hospital, urinating is a requirement. That requires standing and walking. I'd just been paralyzed from the waist down for hours on end. I couldn't even move my legs over the edge of the bed so I'm not exactly sure how the young woman taking care of me expected me to reach the bathroom. When I tried standing, nausea was inevitable and unavoidable. So peeing was definitely not in my near future.
Thankfully, we were allowed to leave the Birthing Center to go to the Women's Care Unit for the remainder of our stay.
The lovely night nurses focused solely on the fact that I had to pee and I had to do it relatively soon. They gave me cotton balls soaked in peppermint, drank cup after cup of water, sat on the toilet for what felt like forever, eventually my body did it on it's own. THANK GOD.

The whole thing was a giant adventure that won't happen again for, at least, another five years. I'm so glad Jamie is here now and it's all over. The pain was worth it for my perfect baby.

Baby Bump: BOY!

Hello bloggers!

It's been a while, huh? 

Well my computer broke. And I'm working like a maniac! Oh yeah, I've been packing too! Plus all the doctor's appointments.

Obviously, I haven't had time to write a blog. 

WARNING: I may give vivid details about pregnancy, child birth and all the little joys that come along with it. So if you're squeamish with this sort of thing, I suggest you never give yourself the opportunity to conceive. Or just don't read my blog.  

At 14 weeks we got to the chance to heart the heartbeat but the little one didn't feel like coming out of their hiding spot. YAY! Literally scared the hell out of me because I thought I was having a hysterical pregnancy. My doctor scheduled an ultrasound, which I had been wanting anyways. An hour later I'm lying on a table with a wand shoved up my vagina to see our little baby is totally perfect and healthy. The worst part of it all is that all you care about is seeing your baby; the doctors have to check out every little bump and corner of the uterus, ovaries, cervix, LITERALLY EVERYTHING.
 

I go to monthly checkups to have my weight tracked, I pee in a cup, blood pressure, they ask me if I've had contractions or pains or felt the baby moving, I ask questions, listen to the heartbeat, ext. 

It's a huge privilege to have such advanced technology to be able to let parents see and hear their baby while it's still growing inside mommy.
At about 17 weeks I felt the little flutters in my tummy! Everyone tried to explain to me what they were going to feel like but they're nothing like anything I could have imagined. They're wings of a butterfly fluttering yet feels like gas bubbles, it's very alien but comforting at the same time. This is also about the time I really started showing. Two important things I had been impatiently waiting four months to experience. I was and still am grateful to see and feel my baby.
20 weeks and 4 days, I had my halfway ultrasound. This is the one where they tell you if you're having a girl or a boy! Levi and I had been counting down the days, we were going crazy! We both started off wanting a boy, then we wanted a girl! Almost everyone we asked wanted a girl! Five or six out of twenty or so wanted a boy. Luckily, Levi had the day off! When she asked us if we'd like to know the sex, there was no hesitation when we answered with our yes. She told us our baby is definitely boy! He was wiggling his little penis around just like his daddy! He wouldn't show his cute face, but was certain to make sure we knew he was a little boy!
His name: Jamie Ty Adema

This is his hand hiding his face from us!

I'm now 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant and there is no doubt that he can kick me and punch me all day long to let me know he's down there, telling me hi! He's sitting so low I have to pee about every half hour. I can tell he's going to be a fighter! Levi and I both have a feeling that I'm going to end up being on bed rest by the way my ankles and hips swell every day.
I'm working about 4 days a week, no more than 28 hours.
We're finally moving out of our stupid, shitty, house with our idiot of a roommate tomorrow night. THANK GOD! We'll have a two bedroom to ourselves that's going to be clean all the time.
I really believe that life is changing for the better for our little family.

Time to go to work, until next time. 

Surpsise.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged. I guess I haven't really had anything exciting or new to talk about; until now.

Three days ago I found out I was pregnant.
4 home testss and 1 doctor's test proved it.
I'm only eighteen.
With a week and half of high school to complete.
I don't really know how to feel about it.
Anxious, maybe?

Ever since my dad passed away at the age of five, all I've wanted is to be a mommy. I'm excited! But I don't want to get my hopes up just for the fact that having a miscarriage is extremely common now a days. And it's not like I knew I was going to get pregnant so I smoked, drank and definitely didn't take prenantal vitamins.

According to math on several different sites and Iphone apps, I'm addicted to infrormation about pregnancy, I'm around four weeks pregnant. Levi and I have been together for a year. We talked about our parents and it wasn't exactly in our future to be able to concieve. We're shocked. I keep saying "if" when obviously I am. I think I say that so I don't get excited about it because I don't want to be heartbroken.
I am more nervous than anything.
Nervous of telling our parents because I know his mom is going to flip the house upside down! All she's ever told us is "Don't get pregnant for five more years", "You need to find a new form of birth control so you don't get pregnant." Literally, we had this conversation last weekend when I was pregnant. My grandparents are crazy and my grandpa doesn't even think I'm responsible enough to have my own vehicle so you could imagine what will happen when they find out I'm carrying a child.
Nervous because I no longer have health insurance after I graduate so I don't know how we're going to pay for all the doctor pills that will pile up over the next nine months. I need to apply for Medicare but in order to do so, I need help from my grandparents which involves the process of telling them.

I downloaded millions of apps so I know what to do health wise, when to start planning prenatal appointments, what vitamins to take and when, symptoms, ext. One of them is to keep a journal of my experience.
So I'm rejoining the blogging community and will be throughout my pregnancy.
I will try to make it exciting and unlike everyone else's stories.